Cyril Figgis On The Prowl
by Red Witch
Summary: When Archer's away, Cyril will play. And get into trouble. Which Ray has to bail him out of.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters got arrested again. So what kind of crazy adventures did the gang have while Archer was having fun in his dream world? Well…**

 **Cyril Figgis On The Prowl**

"Okay Cyril," Ray said as he and Cyril left the police station. "Why were you picked up by the cops? How did you get arrested for **murder**?"

"I was **not** arrested for murder!" Cyril said. "Technically. I was asked in for questioning. No handcuffs were involved! At least by the cops."

"Cyril," Ray gave him a look. "It hasn't even been **a week** since Lana was suspected of murdering Ellis Crane and Archer got put into a coma."

"I know," Cyril groaned.

"And before that we all got arrested for that brawl in the Double Indecency incident," Ray added. "And before **that** was the incident with the killer clowns! And before **that** Lana got arrested for stalking!"

"I **know** Ray!" Cyril snapped. "I'll explain in the car."

"Of course you will," Ray groaned as they got into Ray's car. "The cops are getting to know us pretty well in this town. This is starting to become a habit. And not a good one."

"Look it was just one of those things that got out of hand," Cyril said as they both got into Ray's car.

"So who did you do?" Ray asked as he sat in the driver's seat.

"Don't you mean **what** did I do?" Cyril asked.

"No," Ray said. " **Who** did you do? Or is it whom? I always get those confused."

"I can explain," Cyril sighed.

"This should be good," Ray said.

"Well as you know Archer and I have had an adversarial relationship," Cyril began.

"Foxes have adversarial relationships with chickens!" Ray snapped. "Archer was a bully to everyone clear and simple."

"I admit that I wasn't exactly upset that he's in a coma now," Cyril said. "So I decided to quietly celebrate at a nice bar. Because let's face it, the way we're losing money who knows when I'd get the chance again?"

"Following you so far," Ray said. "Go on."

"Well," Cyril sighed. "I'm at the bar and I order this somewhat expensive martini."

"But you don't drink martinis."

"I do now," Cyril said. "Anyway as I prepare to pay for my drink the bartender says it's already paid for. By a lady. I turn around and there's this beautiful older woman. I mean she looked like she was barely fifty. Blonde hair, beautiful body. Barley a wrinkle on her."

"The plot thickens," Ray said.

"She comes up to me and says 'I like a man who knows how to order a good martini,'" Cyril repeated the sentence breathlessly. "And then before I could think I said that I like a woman who appreciates a good martini. As well as a good martini in her."

"God Damn Cyril," Ray whistled.

"I don't know what happened," Cyril said. "The next thing I knew we were exchanging witty banter. It was like I was channeling a sober version of Archer. She was so glamourous and beautiful. It was like we were in an old-time movie. Especially when I told her I was a private detective."

"And she wanted you to find something am I right?"

"Yeah," Cyril sighed. "Her G-Spot. Long story short, I found it. Several times. At her place."

"Of course you did," Ray said. "So what happened?"

"Apparently, a heart attack," Cyril groaned. "I would have called 911 sooner but it was hard to get to a phone while wearing fuzzy pink handcuffs!"

"Oh God…" Ray groaned.

"Those paramedics can be really judgmental people," Cyril grumbled. "But that's not the twist."

"There's **more?** " Ray asked, clearly stunned.

"Guess what her name was?" Cyril asked. "Lorna LaMorali!"

"I know that name," Ray blinked. "I **know** that name. Wait wasn't she some really big silent film star?"

"She was," Cyril sighed.

"And didn't she make her last picture over **fifty years** ago?" Ray asked.

"She did," Cyril said. "Apparently, she invested very wisely so she was rich."

"And didn't she retire because she was getting old by Hollywood standards?" Ray asked. "AKA her forties?"

"She did."

"Hang on…" Ray said. "If she was in her forties when she retired. And she hasn't made a movie in fifty years…That would make her…?"

"Ninety-five exactly," Cyril sighed. "Seriously she didn't look it."

"I don't believe it," Ray gasped.

"Me neither," Cyril said. "She was doing moves that even Lana couldn't do!"

"So you boned a nearly ninety-five-year-old ex-movie star to death?" Ray asked. "And the cops didn't charge you?"

"Well apparently she's had a few…health incidents of a similar nature before," Cyril coughed. "This is just the first time it stuck."

"So the police…?"

"Knew about her activities yes," Cyril sighed. "And as it turns out so did the paramedics."

"Oh my God…" Ray groaned.

"She said **that** a few times," Cyril sighed. "I just didn't know she meant it literally."

"So what happened with the cops?"

"Nothing. They let me get dressed and I went down to the station and gave them my statement," Cyril said. "The coroner said it was obvious she had a heart attack. Now she's been giving very generously to the police funds for years. And she's been a pillar of society and so on…So, the police chief and I had a little talk and we agreed it would be in the best interests of everyone if we kept this little scandal under wraps."

"Trying to cover up scandalous deaths seems to be this town's specialty," Ray groaned.

"Hey they get over ten million dollars from her will to their pension funds if she dies peacefully," Cyril said. "They know because she told them about her will."

"Well that explains the cover up," Ray groaned.

"Apparently quite a few cops have had similar experiences with Lorna over the decades," Cyril groaned. "I'm not going to lie. Between her and Veronica Deane our agency is starting to get a reputation."

"What are you **doing** Cyril?" Ray snapped. "Taking over from Archer?"

"Apparently," Cyril said. "So you can't tell **anyone** about this! Especially Pam! Especially Ms. Archer and **especially** Lana!"

"I didn't say anything about the circus incident, did I?" Ray gave him a look.

"No, you didn't," Cyril sighed.

"You know this isn't exactly the first time you bonked an older woman into the great beyond," Ray said.

"I remember Mrs. Upton in the elevator," Cyril groaned. "I can't believe that happened to me **again!"**

"I can't believe you were pulling an Archer," Ray groaned.

"Ray I swear," Cyril said. "Whoever her plastic surgeon was must have been a **genius**! Even her body looked like she was in her twenties! And she knew stuff. And did stuff a contortionist would be jealous of."

"Yeah that's usually the case," Ray sighed. "So you had another wild embarrassing night of strange with nothing to show for it."

"I wouldn't say that," Cyril rolled up his sleeve. "I did get a new watch. A Rolex. In advance. And I may have taken a couple hundred from her purse."

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Ray gasped.

"What?" Cyril asked. "It's not like I didn't **earn it!"**

"Just like I earned three hours towards my PI license?" Ray asked.

" **Three hours?"** Cyril shouted.

"And you're buying breakfast," Ray smirked.

"Fine," Cyril groaned. "Three hours and breakfast. But you'd better not say anything!"

"My lips are sealed," Ray told him as he started up the car. "Now who's up for waffles? I know you must have worked up an appetite."

"You are never going to let me live this down are you?" Cyril groaned.

"No, I am not," Ray smirked.

"Great…" Cyril groaned.

"Oh relax Cyril," Ray told him. "I'm not one to judge! Remember? I told you about me and that Duke in Monte Carlo?"

"Yeah I remember," Cyril said. "I can't believe you did that."

"Well I felt bad for the man," Ray said. "I did kind of force him to sleep with Ms. Archer. Brrr! Poor thing…"

Cyril started to laugh a little. "Yeah that was a crazy weekend. While you were trying to get back our 401 K money we were selling office furniture. Only we forgot to ask for payment and gave it away."

"Kind of a moot point now," Ray said. "Considering how our office shut down."

"So we lost the money anyway?" Cyril snickered. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't laugh but in a weird way it is funny."

"Hilarious," Ray rolled his eyes. "We're broke and without a retirement fund."

"Yeah but we sure know how to party," Cyril laughed. "You know what's **really** funny? I still had a better night than Archer did!"

"Wow," Ray said. "You really hold onto a grudge like a pit bull with a bone don't you?"

"More like I had a bitch with a boner! Hey-O!" Cyril chirped.

"Cyril that was completely inappropriate," Ray said.

"Thank you," Cyril said.

"You're welcome," Ray said.

"I just feel like I needed to do something crazy," Cyril said. "After all that's happened and how the agency is sliding downhill."

"Congratulations," Ray drawled. "You succeeded."

"We're really a couple of scoundrels, aren't we?" Cyril sighed. "God I never thought I would do stuff like this in my life. And I know my father never thought I would be like this!"

"I know I can't believe half the things we've done," Ray admitted. "God if I ever do write that book about my life I'd have to put it in under fiction!"


End file.
